Dippety-Doo-Da

Dippety-doo-da, dippety-dey,

My oh my what a fuckin’ concave.

Plenty of backpain headin’ my way.

Si-esta mattress, I hate you today!

This pleasant little diddly is a product of my wrath. My wrath is a product of a dimwitted letter. The dimwitted letter saying “No, we will not honor the warranty you paid for. Rather, we would like to royally screw you over,” is a product of a greedy, pissant bastard from the warranty department of Siesta Mattress Company. 

For some reason, the grand canyon splitting through our two-year-old, $1,700 mattress does not meet the qualifications for “manufacturing defects.” Apparently, we have to sear our asses on volcanic lava before the caverns in our mattress are considered deep enough to meet the qualifications for warranty coverage. 

Additionally, the rage-inducing letter states, “A stain found on the mattress nullifies the warranty for health and safety reasons.” Unfortunately, a minor stain on the mattress from moving prohibits Siesta from the potential profit of reselling the defunct p.o.s. to some poor cheapass fellow, who will soon after fork over his life savings to the chiropractor. The health and safety of the company is put into jeopardy when they resell a mattress with a dirt stain, but one with a giant abyss passes A-ok.

Life lesson learned: Never buy a mattress from Siesta or you’ll find yourself gorged with vexation.